You might feel guilty for not liking someone you work with. However, it's normal not to get along with everyone: we all have different workplace values and habits, and sometimes these can clash, especially when we spend a lot of our day working with someone.
Use the steps below to build a more productive relationship.
1. Understand the Situation
It's essential to understand the difference between a colleague who is being unhelpful or frustrating, and one who is bullying you, or preventing you from doing your job.Think about specific situations that you've found upsetting to clarify your thinking. For example, a colleague who makes sarcastic remarks in a meeting may be having a bad day; however, persistent negativity that causes distress or delays is a problem.Then look at the behavior itself. Use Benne and Sheats' Group Roles to understand how it fits into the dynamics of your team, and note how the behavior affects you, your colleagues, and your organization. Does it affect your ability to do your job? Does it harm an individual in your team? Does it harm your organization's mission? Or does it affect the team's cohesiveness? These are all valid issues that need to be dealt with. However, be careful in other areas: if you dislike someone because of their lifestyle or politics, then you may need to be more tolerant.
2. Analyze Why
Start by thinking about why you don't like this person. What does he or she do, specifically, that irritates you? It's possible that the negative or annoying behavior reminds you of a specific trait that you have yourself and that you don't like. For example, you might dislike a colleague because she gossips behind people's backs. This insidious habit is one that you may have engaged in yourself, and you hate it that you're still tempted to gossip. So, this colleague's character flaw is a constant reminder of your own issues.
Alternatively, perhaps this person reminds you of someone you disliked in the past. Or maybe he or she has a very different working style from yours, or an approach to communication or information sharing that clashes with yours. It can be challenging to look at a dreaded colleague and figure out what it is about him or her that you don't like. However, if you're willing to be honest with yourself, you can become more self-aware by understanding this person.
3. Try to Connect
This person might have several character traits that you dislike. But, chances are, he or she also has many positive attributes. What are they? What behaviors or personality traits do you like or relate to? Practice empathy: put yourself in this person's shoes. Why might this person act in the way that he or she does? What pressures is this person under that you aren't? Use the Perceptual Positions tool to try to understand this person's perspective. It can also be helpful to learn more about Transactional Analysis, which is a way of understanding human interactions. The better you understand the different roles that people play and why they play them, the better you can use this understanding to improve a poor relationship. Spend time with this person - ideally in an informal context such as a team meal - to gain a better understanding of his or her perspective and motivation. This might not seem to be a pleasant prospect, but getting to know them better might be the key you need to overcome your dislike.
4. Talk It Out
Choose a time and place where you can talk privately with the other person. Use the following framework to make your case, and to find a solution:
Such conversations can be challenging. Consider using role-play with a colleague to practice before you speak, and use assertiveness techniques to make your case confidently.
5. Manage Your Emotions
Dislike is a powerful emotion, and you may feel tense and upset when dealing with your colleague. This can be distracting as well as unpleasant, especially when the feelings of tension affect other tasks. You can reduce these feelings by changing the way that you react to tense situations. Learn how to manage your emotions, so that you can respond with assertiveness and dignity in tough situations. If you have a negative interaction with someone, take immediate steps to calm down: walk away or practice deep breathing exercises. Also, make sure that you don't let your negative mood affect how you treat others. Relaxation methods such as yoga or meditation can help to reduce stress and encourage self-awareness. Regular physical exercise will also help you handle stress at work, especially if you're able to exercise before you start work. Occasionally, conflict might erupt between the two of you, especially if the relationship is hostile or tense. Learn good conflict resolution skills to resolve these issues quickly and professionally.
6. Keep Negativity to Yourself
It's tempting to share your dislike of someone with colleagues, and to spend time dissecting this person's personality flaws. However, keep in mind that gossiping can destroy morale. Badmouthing colleagues, no matter how unpopular they are, will also affect your reputation. If you need to talk about bad working relationships, aim to keep it out of the office: for example, speak to a trusted friend or family member, in confidence.
Use the steps below to build a more productive relationship.
1. Understand the Situation
It's essential to understand the difference between a colleague who is being unhelpful or frustrating, and one who is bullying you, or preventing you from doing your job.Think about specific situations that you've found upsetting to clarify your thinking. For example, a colleague who makes sarcastic remarks in a meeting may be having a bad day; however, persistent negativity that causes distress or delays is a problem.Then look at the behavior itself. Use Benne and Sheats' Group Roles to understand how it fits into the dynamics of your team, and note how the behavior affects you, your colleagues, and your organization. Does it affect your ability to do your job? Does it harm an individual in your team? Does it harm your organization's mission? Or does it affect the team's cohesiveness? These are all valid issues that need to be dealt with. However, be careful in other areas: if you dislike someone because of their lifestyle or politics, then you may need to be more tolerant.
2. Analyze Why
Start by thinking about why you don't like this person. What does he or she do, specifically, that irritates you? It's possible that the negative or annoying behavior reminds you of a specific trait that you have yourself and that you don't like. For example, you might dislike a colleague because she gossips behind people's backs. This insidious habit is one that you may have engaged in yourself, and you hate it that you're still tempted to gossip. So, this colleague's character flaw is a constant reminder of your own issues.
Alternatively, perhaps this person reminds you of someone you disliked in the past. Or maybe he or she has a very different working style from yours, or an approach to communication or information sharing that clashes with yours. It can be challenging to look at a dreaded colleague and figure out what it is about him or her that you don't like. However, if you're willing to be honest with yourself, you can become more self-aware by understanding this person.
3. Try to Connect
This person might have several character traits that you dislike. But, chances are, he or she also has many positive attributes. What are they? What behaviors or personality traits do you like or relate to? Practice empathy: put yourself in this person's shoes. Why might this person act in the way that he or she does? What pressures is this person under that you aren't? Use the Perceptual Positions tool to try to understand this person's perspective. It can also be helpful to learn more about Transactional Analysis, which is a way of understanding human interactions. The better you understand the different roles that people play and why they play them, the better you can use this understanding to improve a poor relationship. Spend time with this person - ideally in an informal context such as a team meal - to gain a better understanding of his or her perspective and motivation. This might not seem to be a pleasant prospect, but getting to know them better might be the key you need to overcome your dislike.
4. Talk It Out
Choose a time and place where you can talk privately with the other person. Use the following framework to make your case, and to find a solution:
- Acknowledge the tension between you.
- Outline the behavior that is causing tension.
- Cite a number of specific examples.
- Explain how these actions affect you.
- Ask what you can do to build a better relationship.
Such conversations can be challenging. Consider using role-play with a colleague to practice before you speak, and use assertiveness techniques to make your case confidently.
5. Manage Your Emotions
Dislike is a powerful emotion, and you may feel tense and upset when dealing with your colleague. This can be distracting as well as unpleasant, especially when the feelings of tension affect other tasks. You can reduce these feelings by changing the way that you react to tense situations. Learn how to manage your emotions, so that you can respond with assertiveness and dignity in tough situations. If you have a negative interaction with someone, take immediate steps to calm down: walk away or practice deep breathing exercises. Also, make sure that you don't let your negative mood affect how you treat others. Relaxation methods such as yoga or meditation can help to reduce stress and encourage self-awareness. Regular physical exercise will also help you handle stress at work, especially if you're able to exercise before you start work. Occasionally, conflict might erupt between the two of you, especially if the relationship is hostile or tense. Learn good conflict resolution skills to resolve these issues quickly and professionally.
6. Keep Negativity to Yourself
It's tempting to share your dislike of someone with colleagues, and to spend time dissecting this person's personality flaws. However, keep in mind that gossiping can destroy morale. Badmouthing colleagues, no matter how unpopular they are, will also affect your reputation. If you need to talk about bad working relationships, aim to keep it out of the office: for example, speak to a trusted friend or family member, in confidence.
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